Caring For Aging Parents
Caring for aging parents is often chaotic and stressful. Finding or claiming peace during this period of your life can seem impossible. This guest post by Ruthie Gray gives 3 ways to claim peace while caring for your parents. You can read more about Ruthie Gray at the end of this post.
Caring For Aging Parents: Always on Call
I was sunning on the beach when he called. “Hey! What are you doing?” my dad chirped over the phone.
Immediately jumping into high alert, I scrambled to make sense of the call. It wasn’t his standard practice to ring me up. The ocean breeze whipped around my face as I strained to hear his voice. “I’m good, just on the beach.” He spoke a few more words I couldn’t hear. “Are ya listening to me?” He seemed perturbed. My emotions swelled, anxiety forming a pit in my stomach.
Dad, normally docile, was acting hyped and out of character.
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Caring For Aging Parents: Never Ending “Emergencies”
My mind flicked back to the early 80s, the season of Dad’s mental breakdown. His laid-back personality became manic, extroverted, and erratic. After a series of tests, doctors prescribed a medication called Lithium, and once regulated, he returned to his calm demeanor.
This call was not the first I’d had of late, and red flags went up as I pondered the possibility he was not taking his meds.
As the sole caregiver for my parents, I’d taken a chance to catch a rare breather with my husband, spending a week at the company beach house.
I’d left them in capable hands; my college-age daughters checking on them daily, seeing to errands, grocery needs, and all the little things that pop up with technology (mom was just techy enough to work Facebook and email, so there were daily issues).
My life was crazy, and there were days (and nights) when I wished for normalcy.
Normalcy = not being awakened during the night for an emergency, spending my days chauffeuring parents to doctor appointments, or submitting legal paperwork on my parent’s behalf.
All the emergencies were happening outside my scope of control, and this was the crux of the issue I felt when caring for aging parents.
I longed for time to enjoy my kids and grandkids without the interruption of caregiving duties. Yet, I felt guilty for feeling that way. I wanted to honor my parents, yet I longed for serenity.
Hence, the beach trip; a chance to get away for physical and mental relaxation. Yet, Mom and Dad’s care was never far from my mind, especially since I was still receiving updates – phone calls and texts regarding their welfare.
Caring For Aging Parents: The Ongoing Trauma of Caregiving
Have you been there? Gazing longingly at the past, wondering how you could have been dissatisfied when all the kids were home, and the chaos was under your roof? (Controlled chaos, that is.)
Even though I know I romanticize those imperfect days, it’s more than that. The real mental struggle is that choosing to marry and have a family was my choice. Alternatively, I didn’t choose to be thrown into a constant state of emergency.
But God chose me, and that’s where I had to lay down the burden daily and accept my calling: the caregiving mantle.
I’ve come to realize caregiving is a form of trauma. Living in a state of emergency or being “on call” all hours of the day and night wears on the caregiver. No wonder my shoulders are tense, and I have unexplained body pain!
So, how do we deal with the ongoing trauma of caregiving? I’ve learned a few lessons in my fifteen-year journey caring for aging parents, so allow me to comfort you with the comforts with which I have been comforted (2 Corinthians 1:4).
Caring For Aging Parents: Finding Peace in Caregiving
Peace in Caregiving: Peace doesn’t come from external circumstances when caring for aging parents
Jesus said,
Peace I leave with you…not as the world gives… ~ John 14:27
Even when chaos reigns, God is still in control. When we accept this, we stop wrestling and start resting.
I’ve learned, however, that this is not a one-and-done action but a daily (sometimes hourly) burden-rolling surrender.
Early in my caregiving journey, I just wanted to fix my parent’s health and get back to everyday life. I went into overdrive, attending appointments, therapy, doctor calls. But when the issues continued to roll in, I became angry and frustrated. Why was this happening when I had kids to homeschool and a family to care for?
Finally, it dawned on me, a gentle voice in the middle of a chaotic hospital hallway, Ruthie, this is the plan now. It wasn’t audible, but it was a real impression and I knew the Holy Spirit was comforting me, yet exhorting me.
It didn’t make sense. After all, my parents were still relatively young – ages 69 and 72. But as the scene unfolded, I realized there was no going back. I was in it for the long haul.
That’s when I made peace with the situation and chose peace moving forward. John 14:27 became a reality.
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Peace in Caregiving: Praise Changes Perspective when caring for aging parents
In this season, I have leaned into the practice of praise. When I shift my eyes from myself, my worries, my self-pity, and onto the God of all creation, my problems seem to diminish. Seeing the situation through His eyes (Lord, give me eyes to see!) brings contentment.
I began journaling, entering thoughts, Scripture passages, and prayers. I leaned into praise, chronicling names and attributes of God: Fortress, Defender, I AM, Bread of Life, Prince of Peace…I picked one or two or ten to focus on after reading Scripture. A simple way to practice praise is to go through the alphabet, naming God’s attributes and promises. This has rejuvenated my praise and prayer life, and I often dwell in those praises long after finishing the alphabet.
Coaching prayer in praise changes your viewpoint. Suddenly, worry softens, and peace enters, sinking into the cracks of the soul.
Scripture says God dwells in the praises of His people. If the Prince of Peace dwells there, why wouldn’t I?
Peace in Caregiving: Priorities Need Adjusting when caring for aging parents
Flexibility is a whole new lesson in this season. My husband operates on a random schedule, adjusting plans like a West Virginia spring changes temperature. God has been good to give me that man because, after nearly 40 years, this schedule control freak has learned flexibility.
But it can be overwhelming and frustrating when your plans are so constantly interrupted that you feel like throwing them out the window.
If we continue to resist and hold tightly to our plans, allowing ourselves to be in a constant state of agitation, we lose out on God’s gifts for us.
Gifts like love, joy, peace, gentleness, meekness, self-control, patience, gentleness…
Love comes first because when we operate in a state of agitation, we’re not operating out of love. A sandwich season friend recently shared that she’s praying for more love for the Father because that’s the way to love his (and our) people.
You see, we can’t just determine to be flexible by willpower. There must be a motive, a deeper drive. And that motive must be love.
Love for the Father and his “better part” (hat tip to Mary), and love for people, because, after all, that’s what Jesus deemed the two most important commandments.
Caring For Aging Parents: What Are You Grappling With?
What are you grappling with in your caregiving season? Resisting current circumstances? Are you trying to swim against the current? Does it feel like one step forward, twenty back? Are you praying for your situation to change and getting agitated when it doesn’t?
The emotions of grief and loss are valid. But, friend, sometimes we bring more unrest by resisting what’s right in front of us.
May I just encourage you to sit with the Prince of Peace? Journal Scripture, practice praise and become more flexible. And perhaps most of all, pray for more love for God and people. God is working in your heart, friend. He loves you, oh, so much. It’s time to rest in His love and embrace peace, praise, and flexibility.
Here are two of my favorite scriptures for finding peace in caregiving:
Psalm 71:14-15
But I will hope continually
and will praise you yet more and more.
My mouth will tell of your righteous acts,
of your deeds of salvation all the day,
Psalm 40:3
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Ruthie Gray is a Gen X mom, 15-year caregiver, and author of Empty Nest Awakening; Weaving the Threads of Your Passions into Purpose. As a self-proclaimed “juggler of generations,” Ruthie believes her God-given purpose is to impart peace, joy, and wisdom to moms managing the demands of multiple age groups. Ruthie is the host of the Sandwich Season Sanity podcast and the Next Steps Retreat for Empty Nest Entrepreneurs, and you can find her resources at RuthieGray.com.
Instagram: ruthie_gray_author
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